“This glacier is big, really big. Tremendous.”

“I couldn’t have said it any better myself, Mr. President. And thanks for visiting our beautiful state. And deregulating the oil industry so we can get that new pipeline finished.”

“Hey, Senator, what are friends for? Geez, I like the way the ice crunches under my feet.”

“Well, Mr. President, shall we get everybody back in the chopper? Sarah Palin’s expecting us for dinner around 6. She doesn’t want the salad to get cold. I don’t think she was kidding.”

“Wait, let me just tweet how great Alaska glaciers are compared to Canada’s or anybody else’s.”

“Dad, it’s Vladimir, he wants to know about the Syrian bombing schedule. He says we can have Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and he’ll take Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.”

“Who’s got Sunday, the Iranians? Get it? Bombs? Iran? Uh, tell him I’ll call him back, Ivanka. Better yet, have Jared call him. And make sure Jared writes that speech for me, the, the—”

“State of the Union?”

“That’s the one.”

“Sure, Dad, I’ll—. Hey, you have another call. Hello? You’re with the what? Hold on. Dad, he says he’s from the EPA.”

“What EPA? I shut them down six months ago. It better not be some crackpot complaining about global warming.”

“Not that EPA, Dad. This is the Exporters of Petroleum of America.”

“Oh—him I’ll talk to.”

“OK, Dad, I’ll—My goodness, did you hear that cracking sound? Where are the kids? Why are the Secret Service all running toward the edge of the—why is the edge so much closer than it was! Hurry, Dad, Senator. I’m afraid something might have happened to the—. I’ll run ahead, you catch up!”

“Ma’am, Sir, I’m sorry, I can’t let you beyond this point. Here, Sir, sit down on this dead polar bear and catch your breath. I’m afraid this section of the glacier has violently broken off. Your grandchildren have been cast into the Arctic Ocean.”

“No!”

“I’m afraid so, Sir. They were taking a selfie with Agent Gillespie’s classified phone. Next thing we know, an ear-splitting crash, and they’re gone! I’ll contact Agent Gillespie’s wife, Sir.”

“Oh my God, Agent Schwartz, get the search and rescue underway immediately!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. President. There are no park rangers or emergency services. You cut the budget for National Parks, remember?  What, Sir? Coast Guard,Sir? The Coast Guard no longer patrols this region, Sir, since you cut their funding in half to build a border wall.”

“I don’t care what it costs, I want this thing taken care of! Do you hear me? This is a conspiracy. Obama is behind all this. Why didn’t he do something about this melting glacier thing?”